Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Absence Makes My Heart Break Longer

Only two weeks into looking after B, and our child minder is swanning off on holiday. Of course I don't mean this to sound as disparaging as it probably does, as the child minder did check with us first (it was her only chance to see her Dad this year as he lives abroad). Additionally, the cold hard truth of all of this is that this saves us money - provided we could make alternative arrangements. Cue the tapping up of relatives : - )

As luck would have it, W's Mum had arranged some time off to coincide with half term. She jumped at the chance to look after her (as we knew she would - she adores B and regularly finds reasons to come over and visit). B already has a knack of turning on the charm when she needs to and this is even before she knows what she is doing. I'm thinking a high-powered job beckons for her, directing people from up high and getting the underlings to do her bidding. As long as she gets paid a huge wedge of cash which enables her father to be the oldest professional videogame player on record, then I'm happy. Before the complaints come flying in across cyberspace, yes, of course I am kidding!

I must admit I was slightly annoyed that this would mean a change in routine for B already. It's hard enough for a small child to deal with being separated from her Mother, to then chuck it all up in the air again. Still, she would be spending most of her time at our home anyway, so it was not as bad as, say, giving her to another child minder.

Yes, I did say 'most' there, as on two of the days, she would be up at Gran's (furthermore referred to as 'G'). This involved a routine of such military precision, it would put many Army Generals to shame (to which W must take a bow). B was picked up in the morning by G at the train station near where W works and, during rush hour, getting the train and tube to where G lives. Unsurprisingly, this didn't pose any sort of problem for B and, according to G, she happily grinned at as many commuters as possible and made them all feel uncomfortable (isn't that just one of the best things about small children? They can stare out even the most hardened of Hypnotists without even so much as a flinch). Suffice to say, the tube journey was just as easy, with B even hanging on to one of the grab rails all from the comfort of her buggy.



A passenger, obviously faking sleep to avoid eye contact with B - probably.

I must admit, I was slightly nervous about the whole thing, as I got further and further away from her on the train to work so I was indeed a relieved man when I heard about the above shenanigans on public transport and again when I heard that she had made it to her destination safely. I assume it's just a parent thing to be unnecessarily concerned about the welfare of your child when you don't have complete and utter control over everything. It's a strange thought to know that as long as I live, that feeling will never go away.

So, with B sorted at G's place and work done and dusted (yes, nothing interesting happened unsurprisingly), my thoughts turned to the evening. W had taken full advantage of our evening off and booked a table at a restaurant. As the day had drifted by, I found myself getting more and more excited about it all and (gasp) even looking forward to the train journey. Halfway through the trip, I was taken over by a feeling that I hadn't expected - a feeling of dread. For it had finally dawned on me that my little girl would not be waiting for me at the other end and my total time until I next saw her would almost be 48 hours. I felt like my heart was going to break in two. I got off the train and, head slightly slumped, I shuffled my feet one after the other down the two flights of stairs and poked my ticket in the general direction of the machine (as luck would have it, my aim was good and the barrier sprung open).

Of course it was not all bad. W was there waiting for me and we had some time to ourselves, but the entrance hall had never felt so empty. We both had the same look on our faces - we missed her so much! A welcome kiss and a hug made things a lot better though. We walked to the car and headed home, talking about how weird it felt to not have this small person with us - someone who has been a part of our everyday lives for over 9 months. Never has the phrase 'you don't know what you have until it's gone' been more apt.

After talking about it, I certainly felt a lot better and once we had got in, I realised, somewhat guilt-filled, that the flat was empty and all my time was mine again! No playing with B, no bath for B, no changing for B and no feeding and putting to bed for B! I sprung through the flat, sending cats off in various random directions. I fired up the Xbox 360 and on went Pro Evolution Soccer 6 (more about this very soon). W put on the laptop and we begun to get comfortable. Almost too comfortable, for our 'lazy' gene begun to kick in.

Fortunately, W is stronger willed than I am and after a couple of games (defeats of course), we got ready and went out. I'm glad we did though as the restaurant was lovely and the food was plentiful. It shows that the Chilli Con Carne that I make at home is at the spice level known as 'wuss.' I had Chilli Meatballs and they were hot! This served me well as it helped clear the remnants of a cold away into the night sky. I also discovered a combination that I must revisit - cabbage and bacon. We had it as a side dish and it really did surprise me. So full was I that I could not even find space for dessert or coffee (hangs head in shame).

We went back to our empty flat, having had an excellent night out. I played a bit more PES6, and W trawled the internet looking for bargains on Ebay. We didn't stay up too late, as it was a school night. B spent the following day at G's, but was waiting for me at the station that evening, arms flapping, possibly creating a small tornado in the process. I felt complete again.

While I did miss her while she was away, I think it is definitely important to spend time away from B every now and then. It gives W and I a chance to be people as well as parents and I look forward to the next time we can do it.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

"Time Goes By See What's Become Of Me...."

More than a little time has passed since the last time I posted. Apologies for that first and foremost. Life has been a bit hectic in the last couple of weeks. One or two bad things happened at work, which have led to me keeping somewhat of a low profile online in these last couple of weeks. Of course, I am completely to blame for these things going wrong and in a way I'm glad they have happened as it's taught me a valuable lesson - namely, don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Somewhat resultant of that has led me to being a bit happier at work. I still won't say it's the best job in the world (far from it), but I remember leaving work one day a week or so ago and having this funny feeling take over me, leaving me to feel exhilarated and happy for no apparent reason. After some thought about what might be causing this phenomenon (other than the fact that the two loves of my life would be waiting for me at the other end of the journey), I realise this is what people call 'job satisfaction!' I had done a productive days work and I felt great about it. I would certainly like more of that please! Still, I am continuing to look for something else a little closer to home though. I don't mind the journey so much, but I do mind the cost of the journey. Which leads me on to my next subject.

W has returned to work and has just started her third week. I'm pleased that she is enjoying it so much and we're all hoping that something more full time comes of it. Everything crossed. Obviously, with that comes a problem as B cannot look after herself just yet (I know she is bright and articulate and (*shudder*) finally mobile, but it's still a little early yet). Typically last minute, W and myself left sorting a child minder out until the last minute, but to cut a long story short, we were successful in our search and B seems quite settled now. However, we could do without the £40 a day fees. I'm still not sure we are going to be able to afford it. Simply put, we have to - everything must go if need be.

As for how it all went, the first few weeks were predictably problematic, with B crying the minute she was handed over and her not sleeping very well in the day. However, we seem to be approaching some form of normality now.

We hope.

I must say that W adapted into her new role much better than I did. I'm so proud of her! Handing B over to a stranger in the morning can't be the easiest thing in the world to do. I know I would struggle. With her new job only being short term, she doesn't have the time to settle in that I did, let alone deal with all the emotion of being out of work for an extended period of time - she just has to get on with it. I have so much admiration for her for fitting everything in. My day is not as frantic, with long periods where I am just sat on the train, reading free trashy papers, scrawling numbers into small 3 by 3 boxes and listening to Radio 2 drop in and out of range, just as a decent song comes on!

There has been a bit of illness too. I have been ill for the last week and a bit. However, I haven't been lucky enough to have the time off as while I am in my 6-month probation period, I do not get paid and I can't afford to not get paid. So basically the Lemsip people are very happy with me as I seemed to be flying through the stuff. I know, like Marmite, you either love or hate Lemsip. I'm in the former of the two camps and would happily drink it day in and day out. I'm coming out the other side of the illness now, just in time for my Birthday weekend - yay me!

I promise I won't leave it so long next time.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Anonymity

Once I had made the decision to start a blog, another question quickly came to the front that would need addressing pretty quickly. The question of anonymity. Reading Emily's Blog, she uses real names (or at least I think she does, I have never read all of her posts). Just to mention, if you've never read it before, do yourself a favour and bookmark it/add it to your RSS. She has a wonderful way with words and, as a relatively new Father, it's a fascinating insight into the problems/delights she has enjoyed as a Mum. I thank my wife for tuning me in to it.

My wife has a blog of her own, and has chosen to make it anonymous. I love writing (and have thankfully recently rediscovered this) and I have a tendency to go headfirst into something if I really believe in it - being a Piscean, I'm definitely a bit of a romantic dreamer. The downside of this is that sometimes, a bit of caution is most certainly a good idea and I have got myself hurt in the past.

Modern times call for a more cautious attitude. Unlike before, it is not just me that is at risk of getting hurt as a result of my (previous) openness. So, with that, I'm going to go with a more anonymous approach. Therefore, I will be referring to my wife as W and my little girl as B.

Hopefully, this won't be too much of a problem when it comes to reading (if anyone, indeed does read this). Even if they don't, it is a much needed method of getting all the stuff I process in my head out and onto a (web) page.

So, onwards, without any sign of a group of heroic indiviuals riding into a glorious sunset. Well, not just yet.....

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Train of Thought

I'm starting this blog, typing in the office which I work in near the south coast of the UK. It's not very high up, but I can hear the wind outside and it doesn't sound as though it's here for a jelly and ice cream party. It sounds seriously miffed. I really hope that this building was built well otherwise 'Infinite Lives' may well be the shortest blog in the history of the blogging phenomenon. I am fascinated by the weather and nature though. The weather does seem to have a slight case of schizophrenia of recent. How much of this is due to climate change, I'm not sure. We have had some extreme weather though in the past year and I, for one, would not like to experience a summer like the one we just have again. My daughter was only a matter of months old at the time. The usual recommendation is to put babies to sleep with at least one more layer than you. Well, I'm sorry, it was 35°C (AT NIGHT!) All my wife and I could do was put her to bed in a nappy and a short baby-gro. Unsurprisingly, she was not phased by this and slept through without worry. Her parents, well that's a different matter altogether. Let’s just say if the job of a lifetime came up and meant we’d have to move to Australia, I would have to consider it seriously. Well, that, or invest in some sort of Mr Freeze ice suit.

As I said, I work near the south coast and have done for the last three months. Unfortunately for me, that's not where I live. The journey to work in the morning is a long one. I leave the house just after 6:30am to (just) get in to work for 9. Of course a lot of that is spent sitting on my backside on one form of public transport or another. It’s still quite a stressful experience as the longer I travel, the further away I get from my fantastic wife and daughter. I have managed to do a few things to occupy my time though. The ‘Metro’ paper, while not the best printed media ever produced, is (a) free and (b) enough of a distraction to wipe out about ¼ of the journey. It also contains a sudoku puzzle which I enjoy doing. If nothing else, it gets my rusty brain working, when, for most of the morning, it’s chastising me for not still being in bed.

I can also (just about) doze in and out of consciousness for an additional half of the journey, which is something I never thought would be possible. Southern’s inability to provide comfy pillows is something I urge them to address at the next board meeting though. It would make the £190 a month less of a trauma to part with every month. Especially, when I think of how many gadgets that could get me : - )

By far the best thing about the journey though is it has re-ignited my love of music. While I was growing up, especially during my teens and twenties, I was FANATICAL about music. I would spend nearly all my wages (and any other currency I could get my grubby mitts on) on 7-inch’s (god, I feel old), CD’s, gigs and assorted musical paraphernalia. I was possibly wholly responsible for keeping the industry afloat! I’m not sure when it all went quiet though. My wife and I don’t have much in common musically and, rather naively I think, I always thought that the principle thing I would have in common with any potential spouse would be music. It just doesn’t always pan out that way. So, in the car (we don’t really listen to music at home), I just plump for Radio 2 or Virgin.

However, my mp3 player has a feast of pleasures on it and I still have stacks of space to fill. I have a Creative Zen Vision M (30Gb) and it is the best thing ever! Suffice to say that through the course of this blog, you will undoubtedly receive recommendations and, heck, there may even be the odd review or two thrown in.

One thing I know is that if it wasn't for my music, I probably would have lost my sanity not long into my three-month service.

Currently listening to:

Asobi Seksu: Citrus
Foo Fighters: The Colour and the Shape

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Introductions and Definitions

Welcome to Infinite Lives.

So, why did I decide to start a blog and why call it Infinite Lives? Well, I used to avidly write a diary when I was younger and used to enjoy reading back over the years to see how much has changed. Looking back, I really was the centre of my own universe! A bit of a jumped-up know-it-all. However, time takes it toll and I lost interest in writing when I went through a bit of a dark patch in my life.

Of course, I wish I could turn back time so I could continue writing, but unfortunately, there's never a DeLorean time machine hanging around when you want one.

Why 'Infinite Lives'? Well, (raises hand) I'm proud to be a nerdy geek-type person and have been playing video games since I was about 6 years old. So (gulp), I'll be celebrating my 30-year anniversary as a gamer this year. That's an awful lot of hours, and possibly something not worth contemplating on a grander scale. 'Infinite Lives' is notoriously one of the more popular cheats that gamers have tried to use to get past a particular problem.

Furthermore, when the mind tends to wander (as it seems to a fair bit), I think about what I would be like if I would have done things differently. There's no regret in that statement at all. I'm very happy with my life, of which you will find out more about over the coming weeks. I wonder what I would be like in various alternate lives - it would be great to find out, so infinite lives is tied in to that as well.

So, anyway, welcome along - I'll try to keep a steady flow of content going, but feel free to nag me if radio silence seems to have been maintained for a little too long.

Currently listening to:

Tahiti 80: Fun Fair (off 'Wallpaper For The Soul')